Lilleth - My Story

I came from Jamaica in 1961 at the age of 8. Up to the age of 8 the only people I interacted with were my Nan, brothers and a cousin who lived with us. I had no proper schooling until I came to England. My brother taught me to read and write in Jamaica through fear and rejection, by telling me how stupid I was and smacking me. I'd get angry and prove him wrong when I eventually started school. I had no problems with work but I felt hampered by my lack of face to face communication in large groups or people I did not know as, by then, Mum and Dad were the only people I conversed with after school, as Mum did not believe in having friends and most of the time they worked long hours. Because I was deemed “different”, in more ways than one, I was constantly bullied which resulted in me having a constant fear of being anywhere but at home, which is still with me up to the present day.

I was made redundant from the Abbey bank in 2005 which was a complete shock as work was my only outlet. I wasn't happy with my job anyway as, even though my boss would joke that “I must be on drugs” because I was very fast and efficient, they left me no room to improve. At first I took to my bed unable to face the world as I took it as a personal put down. After a few months I sought help in counselling and medication which made me realise that I needed to properly prepare myself for re-entry back into the workforce. My daughter suggested Women and Work and took me to my first drop in session.

My CV was very dated as I was at the Abbey for 15 years, so I had no idea what was expected of me from prospective employers as I felt institutionalised in banking. Also the fear of face to face communication and selling myself had become a virtual handicap. When I feel safe, whether I am happy or not, I take on the stance “better the devil I know”.

Women and Work helped me to draw up an up-to-date CV and printed a few vacancies from the net. After a few disappointments I enrolled on courses with them and they also introduced me to voluntary work which I took on. I realized, because of my past, written communication always secured me an interview but the interviewers saw a totally different person. The support I received from Women and Work, through their courses and constant one-to-ones, meant that going back to my “safe haven” wasn't an option. The more support and praise I received the more I wanted to please. Eventually the confidence kicked in and, without realising, I breezed through the latest interview. At last I'd done it, secured myself a good position with the NHS. “Eureka”.

In appreciation to Women and Work I can't let myself get into the “safe zone” again without thought as I feel I would be letting them down as well as myself. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but knowing that the way I feel is normal and with encouragement, which I won't always get, life could be wonderful. Just identifying the problem makes it easier to live with. Thanks doesn't seem enough but it's all I have. I've been offered a place on their higher education course and I am elated but, sadly, I am unable to take the challenge through work commitments, but them believing I am able is such a compliment as my parents didn't believe in praise, always only demanding more. I also accept they were doing their best and I know, wherever they are, they are proud of me. My biggest challenge ever is learning to accept myself eventually.